Now I see honestly

By Tru Dillon

Now I see honestly that I only saw what I wanted to see
These eyes covered in the sticky toxic mist of self loathing
saw others as More
More intelligent
More well received
More certain
The More List is long
it extends into encyclopedic range
More, Their More, surrounds me
and if I sneak closer…… I too am More

My self loathing mist excluded the times he pushed me
slapped me
threw me up against walls
It excluded the money spent, all of it, in bars
or the times the power was cut off
or the landlord knocking on the door
It excluded the cheating
and the final abandonment of me
and our baby boy

My filtration mist was perfect
and not unlike a reclamation pond
the bottom of my soul was filled with the truth
Slogging into the muck
I find broken bits and pieces of this truth

I must carefully examine each piece
and as the pond water drains further
I am left standing, solitary
Before me lies a vast expanse of crumpled hopes
twisted and oddly shaped love
and cracked dreams

Poking up through this sludge is my past
I will not turn away in denial
I will not pretend it’s OK
Instead I will let the mist of self loathing
gently float, disintegrate, into the slowly draining pond

I will cleanse and restore my hopes
I will caress and caretake my love
I will create new dreams

Tru Dillon has been involved in art since she was born. Drawing, painting, singing and writing have captured her interest above all else. She wrote her first book of poems at 12 years of age and has since written many more poems and is hoping someday to create another book of her poetry. For now she is content to write on the World Wide Web.


About Tru Dillon

Writing about my life in poem and prose.
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